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Attachment Theory · 7 min read

Can You Change Your Attachment Style? The Power of Earned Security

While your early experiences shape your attachment, it's not a life sentence. Discover the concept of 'earned security' and practical steps you can take to foster a more secure way of relating.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style? The Power of Earned Security — Attachment Theory article on Next Boyfriend

BetterHelp Editorial Team · March 12, 2026

Our take

This is a briefing on “Can You Change Your Attachment Style? The Power of Earned Security,” summarized from BetterHelp and filed under Attachment Theory. Read it as a map of that source’s argument, then use the original before you treat any claim as settled. The useful question for dating is not whether the headline is catchy — it is which part of it changes what you do next.

Written for this page from the title, topic, and named source. It does not add claims that are not in the piece.

Key takeaways

  • Attachment theory suggests that while our primary attachment style is formed in childhood, it is not immutable.
  • One way to achieve earned security is through corrective emotional experiences.
  • Therapy, particularly attachment-based therapy, can be incredibly effective.
  • Identify your triggers: Understand what situations or behaviors activate your insecure patterns.

Understanding 'Earned Security'

Attachment theory suggests that while our primary attachment style is formed in childhood, it is not immutable. 'Earned security' refers to the process by which individuals who were not securely attached in childhood develop secure relational patterns in adulthood. This often involves self-awareness, personal growth, and sometimes therapy.

The Role of Corrective Experiences

One way to achieve earned security is through corrective emotional experiences. This can happen in a stable, trusting relationship with a securely attached partner, where new, positive relational patterns challenge old, unhelpful ones. It's about experiencing consistent love, respect, and reliability that was perhaps missing in early life.

Self-Reflection and Therapeutic Intervention

Therapy, particularly attachment-based therapy, can be incredibly effective. It provides a safe space to explore the origins of your attachment style, process past wounds, and develop new emotional regulation and communication skills. Self-reflection, journaling, and mindfulness also play a crucial role in increasing self-awareness and identifying triggers.

Practical Steps to Foster Security

  • Identify your triggers: Understand what situations or behaviors activate your insecure patterns.
  • Challenge negative beliefs: Work on reframing core beliefs about yourself and relationships.
  • Practice healthy communication: Learn to express your needs clearly and listen actively.
  • Choose wisely: Select partners who are emotionally available and willing to grow with you.
  • Seek support: Don't hesitate to engage with a therapist or trusted mentor.

Originally published on BetterHelp. Read the full article for more details.

Questions about Attachment Theory

What are the four attachment styles?

Secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (also called disorganized). Secure is the most common, at roughly 50-55% of adults; anxious and avoidant each account for about 20-25%, and fearful-avoidant for a small remainder.

Can your attachment style change?

Yes. Attachment style is a learned expectation, not a fixed trait. Longitudinal studies find roughly one in four adults shifts style over time, most often toward security through a consistently responsive partner, individual therapy, or deliberate practice in naming needs directly.

Why are anxious and avoidant people so often attracted to each other?

Each confirms the other's expectation. The anxious partner's pursuit reads as intensity, and the avoidant partner's distance reads as a challenge worth winning. The pairing feels familiar rather than good, which is why it is both common and draining.

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