How to Get Over Someone - Verywell Mind

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The Unspoken Truth About Heartbreak

Heartbreak isn't just an emotional state; it's a profound physiological and psychological upheaval. When a relationship ends, especially one you invested deeply in, your brain registers it much like physical pain. Hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, which were pumping happily during the relationship, suddenly plummet, leaving you in a withdrawal-like state. This isn't just drama; it's biology. Acknowledging this scientific reality is the first step towards self-compassion and understanding why you might feel so utterly devastated. It's crucial to give yourself permission to feel this intensely without judgment, recognizing that your body and mind are simply reacting to a significant loss.

Why "Just Get Over It" Is Terrible Advice

We've all heard it, or maybe even said it: "Just get over it." This dismissive phrase completely invalidates the complex emotional journey of healing. As the Verywell Mind article wisely points out, "Take Your Time." There's no magic timeline for grief. Rushing the process often backfires, leading to suppressed emotions that resurface later, sometimes in more damaging ways. Think of it like a broken bone; you can't just wish it better. It requires time, care, and a structured recovery process. Allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions – sadness, anger, confusion, relief, even joy – is not a sign of weakness, but a courageous act of self-care.

The Power of Emotional Permission

One of the most profound pieces of advice from our referenced article is to "Allow Yourself to Feel." This isn't about wallowing; it's about processing. Many women, especially those conditioned to be strong and resilient, struggle with this. We might feel guilty for crying, for being angry, or for not "bouncing back" fast enough. But emotions are messengers. Anger might tell you about boundaries that were crossed; sadness might speak to the depth of your love.

• Journaling: A powerful way to externalize your feelings without judgment. Write everything down, no filter.
• Talking it Out: Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Articulating your pain can diminish its power.
• Creative Expression: Paint, sing, dance, write poetry. Channel your emotions into a creative outlet.

Remember, feeling your feelings doesn't mean letting them consume you. It means acknowledging them, understanding their message, and then gently guiding yourself towards healing.

The Social Media Minefield: Unfollowing for Sanity

In the digital age, a breakup is rarely just between two people. Your ex's curated highlights reel can become a constant source of pain, comparison, and obsession. Verywell Mind's directive to "Remove Your Ex From Your Social Media" is not just good advice; it's essential for psychological survival. This isn't about being petty or immature; it's about protecting your mental health.

• Unfollow, Don't Block (Unless Necessary): Unfollowing removes their posts from your feed without the drama of a block notification. If they're actively harassing you or you need a cleaner break, blocking is absolutely justified.
• Mute Stories: Sometimes unfollowing feels too extreme, especially if you share mutual friends. Muting their stories and posts allows you to maintain the connection (if desired) without the emotional trigger.
• Delete Old Photos (Archiving is Okay): You don't need to erase history, but do you need daily reminders of what was? Archive old photos, especially those that pop up as "memories." Your past self might thank you later, but your present self needs space.
• Resist the Snooping Urge: It's tempting to check their profile, see who they're with, or analyze their latest post. Recognize this as a self-sabotaging behavior. Each time you check, you reset your healing progress.

Creating digital distance is a crucial step in creating emotional distance. It's about taking control of your environment, both online and off, to foster healing.

The Perils of Drunk Dialing and Texting

"Avoid Drunk Communication" – a simple phrase, yet so profoundly important. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, blurs judgment, and amplifies emotions. This potent combination often leads to late-night calls or texts that you'll inevitably regret in the morning. These communications rarely achieve anything positive; instead, they:

• Reopen Wounds: For both you and your ex.
• Undermine Your Resolve: Making it harder to move on.
• Damage Your Self-Esteem: Leading to feelings of shame or embarrassment.
• Send Mixed Signals: Potentially prolonging the heartache for both parties.

If you know you're prone to this, put your phone away when you're drinking. Give it to a trusted friend, or delete your ex's number (you can always get it back if absolutely necessary, but the friction of doing so often prevents impulsive contact). Your sober self needs to protect your healing heart from your inebriated self's poor decisions.

Seeking External Support: You Are Not Alone

The Verywell Mind article encourages us to "Ask for Help," and this cannot be overstated. Breakups can feel incredibly isolating. We often retreat, feeling shame or embarrassment, but this is precisely when connection is most vital.

• Lean on Your Tribe: Friends and family who genuinely care about you can offer comfort, distraction, and perspective. Don't be afraid to reach out and say, "I'm struggling, can we talk/hang out?"
• Consider Therapy: A therapist provides a safe, non-judgmental space to process complex emotions, develop coping strategies, and gain valuable insights into your relationship patterns. They are trained to guide you through this difficult period.
• Support Groups: While less common for general breakups, for particularly traumatic endings or specific circumstances (e.g., divorce support groups), these can provide a powerful sense of community and shared experience.

Remember, asking for help isn't a weakness; it's a sign of strength and self-awareness. It acknowledges that some burdens are too heavy to carry alone.

Redefining "Closure": It's an Inside Job

Many of us yearn for "closure" – that one final conversation where everything makes sense, where apologies are given, and peace is found. While a respectful conversation can sometimes be helpful, often, the closure we seek from an ex never comes. "View the [breakup] as a new beginning" – this shift in perspective is key.

Closure isn't something an ex gives you; it's something you create for yourself. It comes from:

• Acceptance: Acknowledging that the relationship is over and that the narrative you had for your future together has changed.
• Forgiveness (of self and sometimes them): Releasing the anger and resentment that keeps you tethered to the past. This doesn't mean condoning their actions, but freeing yourself from the emotional prison of holding grudges.
• Learning: Understanding the lessons the relationship taught you about yourself, your needs, and what you will and won't tolerate in future partnerships.

Focus on building your new beginning. That's where true closure resides.

The Importance of Self-Care and Rediscovery

A breakup often leaves a void. Our routines, identities, and sometimes even our sense of purpose can become intertwined with our partner. This is the perfect opportunity for radical self-care and rediscovery.

• Reconnecting with Hobbies: What did you love doing before this relationship, or what have you always wanted to try? Pick up that paintbrush, join that hiking group, learn a new language.
• Prioritizing Physical Health: Exercise releases endorphins, boosts mood, and helps manage stress. Eating nutritious foods and getting adequate sleep are foundational to emotional well-being.
• Solo Adventures: Take yourself on a date. Go to a movie, visit a museum, explore a new neighborhood. Relearn to enjoy your own company.
• Setting New Goals: Whether personal, professional, or creative, having something to work towards provides focus and a sense of accomplishment outside of a romantic relationship.

This period is not just about healing from the past; it's about building a vibrant, fulfilling present and future for you.

Navigating Rebound Relationships: Proceed with Caution

The temptation to jump into a new relationship to fill the void or distract from pain is strong. While a brief, casual connection can sometimes provide a temporary ego boost, be wary of true "rebound relationships." If you haven't fully processed your last breakup, you risk:

• Using someone else: Which is unfair to them and ultimately unfulfilling for you.
• Carrying baggage: Bringing unresolved issues from your previous relationship into the new one, setting it up for failure.
• Delaying your healing: Simply pushing the pain down rather than confronting it.

Give yourself space to heal and become whole again before seeking another significant partnership. You'll be a better, more present partner when you do.

The Role of Forgiveness in Moving Forward

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It's not about condoning harmful behavior or forgetting what happened. It's about releasing the grip of resentment, anger, and bitterness that holds you captive. Holding onto these negative emotions punishes you more than it punishes your ex. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It frees up emotional energy that can then be redirected towards your healing and future happiness. This can be a long and challenging process, but it's a vital step towards true peace.

Learning the Lessons: Growth Through Pain

Every relationship, even the ones that end, serves a purpose. Once the initial sting of heartbreak begins to subside, take time to reflect on what you've learned.

• What did this relationship teach you about yourself? Your strengths, your weaknesses, your boundaries?
• What did you learn about what you truly need in a partner? What are your non-negotiables, and what are areas for compromise?
• Were there red flags you ignored? How can you be more discerning in the future?
• What patterns did you notice in your own behavior? Are there areas where you can grow?

This introspection isn't about self-blame, but about self-improvement. It's about transforming pain into wisdom, ensuring that this heartbreak contributes to your evolution, making you stronger and wiser for your next, healthier relationship.

When It's Time to Date Again: A Conscious Approach

There's no universal rule for when you're "ready" to date again. However, a good indicator is when you feel genuinely happy and fulfilled on your own. When you're dating from a place of wholeness, rather than a place of neediness or loneliness, you're far more likely to attract a healthy, compatible partner.

• Be Clear on Your Intentions: Are you looking for casual fun, or something serious? Communicate this openly.
• Take It Slow: Don't rush into commitment. Enjoy the getting-to-know-you phase.
• Practice Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your emotions on dates. Are you comparing them to your ex? Are you truly present?
• Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, listen to that intuition. You've learned valuable lessons; now apply them.

Dating after a breakup is an opportunity to practice your newfound self-awareness and intentionality.

The Path Forward: Embracing Your New Narrative

Getting over someone isn't a linear process; it's a winding road with ups and downs. There will be good days and bad days, moments of incredible strength, and moments of unexpected vulnerability. The key is to be kind to yourself throughout the journey. Embrace the lessons, celebrate your resilience, and allow yourself to grieve, heal, and ultimately, grow. Your heart is capable of incredible love, and by navigating this pain with intention and self-compassion, you are not just recovering from a breakup; you are becoming a more evolved, confident woman, ready for the beautiful future that awaits you.