Next Boyfriend

Relationship Psychology · 5 min read

In My 20s 'Treat 'Em Mean' Felt Like Power. In My 50s I See It for What It Is: Fear

A raw, honest essay about retiring the 'treat em mean, keep em keen' dating strategy — and replacing the Cool Girl mask with a woman who texts back, says what she means, and admits she wants to be held.

In My 20s 'Treat 'Em Mean' Felt Like Power. In My 50s I See It for What It Is: Fear — Relationship Psychology article on Next Boyfriend

The Guardian · March 14, 2026

Our take

This is a briefing on “In My 20s 'Treat 'Em Mean' Felt Like Power. In My 50s I See It for What It Is: Fear,” summarized from The Guardian and filed under Relationship Psychology. Read it as a map of that source’s argument, then use the original before you treat any claim as settled. The useful question for dating is not whether the headline is catchy — it is which part of it changes what you do next.

Written for this page from the title, topic, and named source. It does not add claims that are not in the piece.

Key takeaways

  • "I am retiring that dating strategy. I am done auditioning for the role of Cool Girl.
  • In your 20s, playing hard to get feels like power.
  • The author describes getting a "maybe" from a man met on a dating app and regressing three decades emotionally.
  • The essay is a call to arms for women of all ages: stop performing indifference.

Retiring the Cool Girl

"I am retiring that dating strategy. I am done auditioning for the role of Cool Girl. I'm replacing her with a woman who texts back. Who says what she means. Who admits she wants to be held."

This powerful essay reflects on decades of using emotional distance as a dating tactic — and the moment of clarity when it stops working.

From Power Play to Self-Protection

In your 20s, playing hard to get feels like power. You control the narrative. You're the one who doesn't care too much. But by your 50s, the pattern reveals itself for what it always was: fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being seen. Fear of wanting something and not getting it.

The 'Maybe' That Breaks You

The author describes getting a "maybe" from a man met on a dating app and regressing three decades emotionally. Despite being capable and accomplished, that single word of ambiguity triggers old patterns of self-doubt and game-playing.

Choosing Vulnerability

The essay is a call to arms for women of all ages: stop performing indifference. Vulnerability is not weakness — it is the price of admission for real connection.

Originally published in The Guardian. Read the full article for the complete essay.

Questions about Relationship Psychology

What actually predicts whether a relationship lasts?

Behavioural patterns during conflict and everyday connection — the ratio of positive to negative interactions, the absence of contempt, whether repair attempts land, and whether partners turn toward rather than away from bids for attention.

Do opposites really attract?

Not in a way that lasts. Difference can be exciting early, but similarity in values, life goals, and conflict style predicts long-term satisfaction far better. The research consistently favours compatibility over complementarity.

Is chemistry a reliable signal?

It is a signal of arousal, not of fit. Intense early chemistry often reflects familiarity with a dynamic rather than compatibility — which is why anxious-avoidant pairings can feel electric and still be corrosive.

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